Publication date: Monday, 29th June, 2009
By Bob Kisiki
WE are quick to teach our children the so-called golden words, but if they followed up their parents to the forums where they sort out their differences, I wonder how many of them would still say ‘thank you’, ‘please’ and ‘I am sorry.’
Especially that last one. Because, while you will hear a man say “may I please eat this” or “thank you for misplacing my slippers (haha, very funny)”, you will hardly hear him, unless he is a member of Theatre factory and he means it satirically, say to his Beloved: “Honey, I am so sorry I did such and such a nasty thing.” No madam, not in a year of only Sundays.
Pastor Gary of then Kampala Pentecostal Church told us a parable that made us laugh, especially the men, without knowing that we laughed at ourselves. In the parable, a preacher was teaching on the topic of courtesy. “You need to learn to say ‘sorry’, ‘thank you’, ‘please’ and ‘I love you,’” he said. One husband turns to his wife and says: “I am sorry I love you.” Again I say: ha ha, very, very funny.
And do not get them wrong, it is not like they do not feel remorse for their (many) wrongs. They do. They hate it when they forget to say “happy birthday Faridah” on your birthday, yet they rehearsed countless ways they would say it, only yesterday.
They kick themselves when they walk into the bedroom with the muddy shoes, despite seeing the doormat at the front door. And all the other stereotype scenarios ladies know. Okay, even the serious cases, like bungling a good business deal, because when you advised him, he treated you like a woman knows nothing.
He will be sorry, genuinely. He may even be saying damn, damn me, sweetie, I should not have behaved like that… in his heart. He could be hugging you, kissing you and buying you a trolley full of chokies and another of roses… in his mind. But for him to open his mouth and say: “Look, I am awfully sorry about this. I will never do it again.” Ha!
Not that some have not. Our pastor once told us that he grilled his son over something he had not done. The boy vehemently denied responsibility, but the father would not let up. Till much later. Summoning all the humility he could, the father called to the boy and said: “Jonah, I am sorry about this.” And like you can see, it was the subject of a testimony.
Sometimes the sorry may not be that sweet-sounding, but it will nonetheless be heartfelt. If tone could be heard on the page, I would say ‘I am sorry’ five different ways, one sounding like ‘get off my back, I know I have messed up’; or ‘okay I have bungled this up, but it is not like I have killed your pet’ and others not so friendly.
“But my boyfriend says sorry all the time, when he hurts me,” one friend who peeked into this work argued, saying that whenever they argue over something and the boyfriend says some nasty things, he immediately apologises and seeks her forgiveness. Which is as well, because one, it is not mandatory for men not to say ‘sorry’ and, besides, we all get to a point at one stage or another when we are compelled to apologise and be nice in many other ways.
The same lady said she never knew a man who apologises more than her brothers. “Whenever they annoy me, I make sure I get them to say ‘sorry’ and man, they do it, or they would be sorry,” she stresses, wearing a face that left me wanting to apologise for merely being in her space. You heard her? She gets them to say ‘sorry’.
Like we have said, men are not ill-mannered as such. And they do not despise the people (especially women) they deal with. The problem partly starts with upbringing. Just like (some) men are told that boys do not cry, many are taught to be macho; the strong guy who does not show weakness of any sort.
Humility being a force that disarms one and makes one subservient to another, looks to many like a sign of weakness. As a result, they wear a mask of indifference, hard-heartedness, bravery… even when on the inside, they are mere jelly.
So when a man insists a child should say ‘sorry’, he is not being hypocritical or despotic. He knows his struggle. He knows the value of humility and the battles it would preclude, were it to be used genuinely, and he wants to save his son those hard feelings.
Like the famous dad in Kenny Rogers’ Coward of the County, such a man is saying: “Do not do the things I have done; you do not have to (be hard) to be a man.”
bkisiki@newvision.co.ug
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