WE celebrated Father’s Day two weeks ago, in my work with families, I have been privileged to meet some of the most committed, genuine and loving fathers. These fathers are sold out to the wellbeing of their children and families.
They have made tough choices of commitment when everyone around them tells them that men are not supposed to be that involved in their children’s upbringing; that they only need to provide for the family. There is no doubt that provision is one of the core duties of a father. But it is not enough. I have discovered that a father also has a psychological role to play and to fulfill in every child’s life. This intangible role, when neglected, can be disastrous to a child and to the society. When a child misses out on that, it leaves a gaping hole in their hearts that a thousand cars, beautiful houses and a string of relationships, cannot fill.
Over a year ago, I followed a very emotional story on the BBC about a young man whose biological father was a Nigerian doctor working in Russia. The young man was a successful musician in Russia, but felt like he did not have any roots because he was abandoned by his father at a young age. At 25 years of age, he decided to look for his father. It was only determination that made him finally track him down on a tiny island in the pacific. To get there, he went through records right from when his father was in primary school, all the way to medical school. His only point of reference was his father’s name.
As I listened to that story, I kept wondering how a father could let his son go through such an emotional trip. The ridicule and pain the young man had suffered while growing up was incredible. His father had not made any effort to find him, but the young man knew that for the sake of his own sanity, he had to find him.
I know as a father this is not the kind of psychological pain you would want your children to go through, yet in many ways, a father does exactly that when he emotionally neglects his children, especially in their formative years. Fathers need to understand that they hold the key to psychologically stable adults.
mamatendo@yahoo.com
